Thanks to everyone who stopped by for the MSFV Blog Hop! If you’re interested, Peter Salomon interviewed me for the blog hop as well. (I forgot to link to it from this blog at the time. Clearly I’m still getting the hang of this promotion thing.)
A while back, I wrote that I felt like I was living in a fairyland. I still do. The feeling hasn’t rendered me completely invulnerable to depression (the monsters in the woods I mentioned in the fairyland entry, which I have concluded basically exist somewhere north of anything resembling logic). But even that is better than it has been. And if I ever start to take anything for granted, I only have to compare where I am now to where I was eight months ago.
(It is very strange, by the way, to think that I’ve been at my current job for just over six months, and agented for five and a half. Awesome! But strange.)
Last year, I wanted to write a story called “The Happiness Lady Comes to the Broken”–a title I’ve had floating around in my head for years, but never knew what to do with. The general idea would have been that it’s okay to be a little bit broken. I was never able to write it, though, because I couldn’t quite make myself believe it.
I still can’t. I would give a lot–maybe not everything, but a lot–to somehow be able to do college over, without the depression and the constant self-sabotage that came with it. I wasn’t constantly miserable, but I was unhappy and lonely for much of the time. I remember, during one finals period, telling a professor that I was overwhelmed and needed an extension on a paper. She granted it, and my first thought was, Oh, okay. I don’t have to die.
I can’t say that’s okay. Does it diminish my worth as a person? No. Nor does it diminish everything I managed to do well anyway: I wrote a novel during that time, which I love. I graduated on time (technically in seven semesters because I took a “retroactive leave of absence” at one point), with honors, and the degree helped me get a job that I feel amazingly lucky to have. But I am not convinced that the depression was necessary. I can’t yet say, “Everything that happened to me made me who I am and brought me to this place, and I have come to terms with it.”
Maybe I don’t have to say that. I don’t know.
… Um. Calming Manatee, anyone?
You are amazing. I’m so glad you survived the monsters and came through the woods stronger. And writing a novel while in school full time is a pretty impressive feat! Not one I would have been able to accomplish.
Thanks, Elena! <3 In college, writing helped me stay at least somewhat sane… so I was producing something, but I was taking care of myself, too, in a way.
You are not the only one with Monsters in the Woods. I had such a patronizing idea of depression and any other unseen stresses. Why couldn’t they just get their act together? Yeah, then I started having babies and got postpartum depression. And THEN I figured out that the reason why winter in a tiny apartment with a bunch of preschoolers wasn’t just because of circumstances but because I had Seasonal Depression.
Yeesh! The babies are growing up, but there are still some very dark memories interwoven with all those happy mommy moments. And winter still holds me in a dark grip. It helped that I moved to the South a year ago. But depression is real and it can be debilitating.
Looking back, I wonder if I might have struggled with depression during college. It might explain why things were so dang hard. Ergh!
Best Wishes to you, strong and amazing lady!
Hi, Amelia! Yeah, I didn’t really “get” depression, either, until it actually hit. I’m sorry to hear about the seasonal depression… that sounds really rough. Understanding what’s happening helps, but it doesn’t solve the problem.
Best wishes to you as well, and I hope winters in the South are a bit easier.